The Scale is an Ignorant Douchebag!

Hello, Nutritional Challenge, Week 5.  I'm ready for you!

I am first, and foremost, shocked that  I've made it this far into the challenge with only one major fuck-up (I went a little off the deep-end on Friday) and a few minor digressions.  I had very little faith in the amount of willpower I could muster for this, but it sure as shit helps knowing that my team and coaches will inevitably see every single morsel I shove down my pie-hole. 

I had initially anticipated every day of this six-week challenge, hanging over me like a dense fog, suffocating my will to live, enveloping me in pain and an all-consuming feeling of deprivation, but, HELL, I'm almost sad this horse-and-pony-show is ending.  It's been relatively smooth sailing since I got past the "carb flu", a full week of intense sugar cravings, and a heavy bought of what I'll refer to as "bitcharrhea."

I'm finding that I have energy to burn, and that I'm not having to obsess about everything I put in my mouth.  I am still logging all of my food to see where everything is shaking out, but I'm trying not to have a heart attack about it.  It's definitely strange seeing your fat intake hovering around 60% when you've been told your whole life that it's the essence of all that is evil.  I keep repeating to myself, "fat is good, fat is good, fat is good."  Of course, it's easier to believe that mantra as I continue to stay more satisfied, having to eat less.  BUT the real kicker is, that with ingesting amounts of fat that would shock the average American, I'm slowly getting the body shape I've always wanted. 

Speaking of body shape, even though I promised I would stop giving a shit about the scale a few blog posts ago, I sorta dusted that bitch off, and have been letting her dictate my moods, my understanding of how I am progressing - and ultimately letting her ruin my life and depreciate my self-worth despite what I have been seeing in the mirror.

You see, while many of my fellow challenge-mates have been dropping scale weight like crazy after going balls-deep into Paleo,  I have been teetering between a loss of three pounds and a net gain of half a pound.  With so many people having noticeable scale success, I started feeling like a big fat failure, despite losing inches. 

I brought my concerns to Gregg (very wise and incredibly handsome [he'll like that part] Coach and owner of Guerrilla Fitness CrossFit Montclair).  I said, "I feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not losing weight."  He said, "Do you look better, feel better, and are you performing better?"  I answered, "yes" to all of his questions (although, I'm sure the part about me looking better was rhetorical, because, come on - have you seen me lately?  Just kidding. Not really.) Anyway, he said, "Jill, if you want to see the scale move, keep doing Paleo, and quit your membership here."  I let that marinate for a moment. I could cancel my CrossFit membership, continue to do Paleo, and maybe see the numbers I've been dying for on the scale, but then I would probably just end up "skinny fat."  It's time for hard facts kids. Although I was made to be extremely adorable, God did not make this homegirl to be petite.  Maybe I come from a long-lost lineage of Italian vikings?  Maybe I was destined to be a wrestler in the WWF?  Either way,  I may never lose enough weight to register as a healthy female on the U.S. Government's weight charts, but I'm not going to let those charts define me or depress me anymore. I'm sure I'm healthier than half the women who fall within the "acceptable" guidelines anyway.   I'm going focus on continuing to gain muscle, speed, and strength. If that venture makes me gain weight on the scale, fuck it. My husband thinks I'm hot, and I could probably crack nuts with my thighs. Those are the things that matter (especially the nut cracking part).

So, in summary, the challenge is going uber-great and I love my Guerrilla community. It's teaching me so many things about myself, and it's helping me to destroy some demons I've been dealing with for as long as I can remember.  Even though I have not been an infallible participant, I am confident that I have jump-started what will hopefully be a new dietary lifestyle.  And although I'm the same weight I was when I started CrossFit in May of 2011, I've lost to date (drumroll, please): 4.5 inches off my waist, 4 inches off my hips/butt, 3 inches off my bust, 2 pants sizes, and 2 minutes off my "Helen" time.  It took me way too long to truly believe the scale is most certainly a tried and true douche. So fuck you scale, you worthless bag of dicks!

In other news, to further my understanding of the Paleo way of life, I'm going to a seminar this Saturday hosted by Diane of Balanced Bites.  She has a wealth of knowledge about Paleo nutrition that she openly shares on her blog and podcast, both of which are great resources to check out if you haven't, but I'm excited to get a full day of education from her under my belt.  Best of all, Brandon has agreed to come along!  Let me know if any of you are interested in coming along with us.

With that, a bit of advice from yours truly.  Eat clean, exercise hard with people you love, sleep well, destroy your scale, and be happy!

I Want Candy

We are almost through with week three of the nutritional challenge, and I am having wild cravings and food hallucinations.  The first two weeks went so well that I thought the last four would be a breeze...not so much. I've been hungry non-stop, and sugar, which was mostly unappetizing until Sunday, is now all I can think about.  I blame this mostly on Paula Dean.  I don't want to be over-dramatic, but she is clearly a life-ruiner.  I think I noted that during the challenge, I would be avoiding watching The Food Network.  While I generally enjoy shows about food and cooking, they put naughty ideas in my head and lead me to make poor nutritional choices.  Well...I was having some back spasms on Sunday (post Guerrilla vs. Guerrilla), and wound up laid out on the couch while Brandon ran to the store for pain meds.  I noticed too late that he had inadvertently left me immobilized, with the remote out of reach, and tuned into Paula Dean, who was making some sort of ooey gooey butter cake concoction, which lulled me into a hefty 4 hour nap.  I woke up from that nap cranky, nasty, ravenous, lacking resolve, and itching for sugar.  The Diva of Diabetes set me on a rampage.

Admittedly, Paula's powers were too strong for me to ignore.  I cheated on Valentines Day.  That's right.  I am a big, fat, sugar-obsessed, CHEATER!  I had a cup of chocolate ice cream drizzled in olive oil and sprinkled with sea salt.  It was amazing - every last spoonful.  So, two out of three of my sundae items were paleo, but it was a nasty little splurge.  To my credit, it wasn't a wasted "cheat."  It would definitely fall into the category of cheats that are MAJORLY worth it. Like the kinda cheat you would slap yo mamma for.  BUT, instead of quelling my beastly cravings, it fed the sugar fire.  

I'm getting irritable.  I'm getting hurtful.  I'm getting violent.  I almost shanked my lovely friend/co-worker Christina for her Crumbs cupcake yesterday. She sat at her desk and enjoyed every last milky-white-rainbow -sprinkle-covered  morsel of her stuffed vanilla treat. I pouted at my desk, devising a strategy for inconspicuously putting her in a sleeper-hold so that I could jack her cupcake, take the subway to the hood, score a syringe, and somehow shoot that cakey deliciousness directly into my bloodstream so not one fucking molecule of that bad boy was wasted.   Just typing about that cursed cupcake is making my mouth water and my stomach growl.  

I'm not sure what the deal is.  Last week I was having to force myself to eat.  This week, I can't seem to find satiation. It's fucking frustrating.  I'm hoping this is just part of the adjustment or I'm going to go on a rager, mentally and physically abusing those who stand between me and their desserts.  

On a positive note, while the scale is not doing MUCH in the way of movement, I definitely can tell that certain parts of me are a little leaner than they were three weeks ago.  Workout-wise, I also feel like my endurance may be improving.  In the past few WODs, I haven't needed as much recovery time between sets. I knocked out 65 pull-ups on the green band AND had an almost-respectable "Karen" time (150 wall balls for non-CrossFitters) that involved me actually hitting the 10 foot target. 

I'm generally feeling less like a slob (except for the part where I am dreaming about eating candy bars until I explode, "Seven" style).  

It's Beginning to Smell a Lot Like Bacon, Everywhere I Go

This bacon is rated PG-13

We are balls deep into week 2 of the Guerrilla Fitness Nutritional Challenge, and instead of emitting my typically delicious scent comprised of citrus soap and Philosophy's Amazing Grace, I reek of freshly fried bacon.  Of course, as many of you meat eaters know, bacon is wonderful...it's not an alltogether awful thing to smell like.

I'm happy to report, that thus far, my newly donned pork belly eau de toilette has been the only downside to the challenge. Unless I'm hallucinating from severe carbohydrate deprivation, I feel like clean eating is giving me more energy. I've been super productive the past few days, even as I continue to nurse a lingering upper respiratory infection.  I'm sleeping great. I'm not bloated. I have no stomach pain.  The sugar cravings are getting easier to deal with, and overall, I'm just starting to feel less hungry.  I'm turning into a Paleo believer. Can I get a hallelujah?

I'm taking advantage of the recovery WOD options this week, but I'm interested to see if there are any noticeable performance improvements once I get back to the full intensity workouts.  If I carry on feeling this good, I may be running circles around you clowns and popping out one-arm pull-ups. I'll be sure to blow you a kiss with my free arm.  BOOM!

In reality, I would shit a pile of pure joy in my pants if, at the end of the challenge, I could run a 400 in less than 2 minutes and get through a WOD on the green resistance band without swallowing my own vomit.

If nothing else, this challenge is certainly a great way to further exercise self-discipline, which I had very little of before joining CrossFit.  I'm sticking to prescribed Paleo with carb restriction (below or about 50 carbs a day) as closely as I possibly can. I'm using food as fuel, as opposed to fun, for the first time; and I don't know why I'm surprised that my body is responding positively to this new methodology.  If I'm actually real-deal hungry (not just Fatty McFatterson bored) my body will give me a signal, and I, in turn, will feed it.  If I'm not hungry, there will be no signal, and I will not eat, even if it's "snack time."  What a novel concept!

Peace, love, and bacon...LOTS of bacon - Jilly

Pour Some Sugar on Me...

...just make sure none of it gets into my mouth...at least not for the next 6 weeks, because it's Nutritional Challenge time at Guerrilla Fitness, bitches!

I've been fully gluten-free since Thanksgiving, and have been tinkering with a Paleo"ish" type of diet since starting CrossFit in May. My few previous attempts at a strict Paleo challenge were flops. I bailed as soon as I caught sight of a sexy, ice-cold glass of milk or a big, thick, long, and juicy - corn on the cob (mind out of the gutter, you whores).

Generally, I am happy with the little dietary lifestyle changes that I have been able to incorporate while experimenting with Paleo, however, I'm really interested to see if I can break some of my more deep-rooted food addictions as a result of this group challenge.

I'm a sucker for sugary condiments. I'm bad at eating the proper amounts of protein. I have naughty dreams about dairy, where I gorge myself on an endless supply of whole milk that flows from marble fountains, and falls from the sky like delicious drops of teat-flavored rain...I FUCKING LOVE MILK! Listen, I don't judge your fantasies.

In order to tackle this challenge, I had to do a ton of pre-planning, I ravaged through Paleo cook books to choose my meals for all 6 weeks. I stalked some of my favorite Paleo aficionados on the old interweb for tips and tricks. I put together meal plans, shopping lists, and cheat sheets. I decided like with most things in my life, it was time to go apeshit or go home, however, Day 1 is in full swing, I'm sick as a dog, and already, visions of white potatoes dripping in maple syrup are dancing through my head. It's obvious that I need to drink some more water - and lay off the Food Channel until the challenge is over.

So wish me luck, as I expect the food hallucinations will continue until my sugar withdrawal has run its course,,,

Do You Remember the Time?

Remember when I said that once we came back from vacation I would be back to updating the blog regularly?  Well...I lied.  I'm prone to do that.  Long, drawn-out, and dramatic story short - we came home from France and work got NUTS.  I got sick, and then I got hit by a fucking biker.  I'm serious. 
[No, it wasn't a motorcyle - it was a cyclist.  No, it wasn't a bike messenger, it was a Doctor...on a bicycle...cycling at break-neck speed, straight into my precious face.  No, he didn't leave the scene.  He stayed, but he was virtually useless.  Yes, it hurt like a mother fucker - see image below.] 

YUCK.  Anyway.  THEN...I got sick again.  Then Thanksgiving came.  Then I had to go on a two week business trip.  Then Christmas crept up on me, and BOOM - it was 2012, and here we are.  I'm panting even as I write this.

In so many ways, CrossFit has made my life immeasurably better, and for the past couple of months, life has only repaid me by getting in the way of CrossFit!  Sometimes, life is an asshole (feel free to put that on a t-shirt if it moves you). 

The sporadic time off put me back to square one in a couple of areas which is humbling and absofuckinglutely maddening at the same time.  My pull-ups were getting strong before the hiatus, and if you were following, you know that I got down to a lower resistance band.  Well, take any credit you gave my fat ass back, because I'm back on the big old granny band for now.  And while I'm emotionally abusing myself...I may as well tell you that the lovely toe push-ups that I was cranking out pre-trauma (few as they were) are as extinct as dinosaurs.  In fact, not only did I lose push-ups on my toes, but I now look like sizzling bacon while performing knee push-ups.  FAIL! 

In better news, my lifts are getting heavier, my cleans are getting a little less wonky, and I've been able to Rx weight a few times (just the weight, not a full WOD).  My endurance is getting better little by little.  I didn't eat like a TOTAL moron during the holidays.  I went completely gluten-free the day after Thanksgiving, and started eating clean again with the new year.  I technically haven't lost a pound since I started in May, but I have lost two sizes and have gained a shitload of strength, energy, confidence, and friends (puuuuuuke).

My resolution for 2012 is simply to get better...at everything...CrossFit and non-CrossFit related.  In the hopes that I also get better at blogging, I'll let you know how that resolution pans out :). 

Open the Door, Get on the Floor, Everyone Eat Like a Dinosaur?

Alright.  Here it is. Time to buckle down and get serious.  I had thrown out another set of short-term goals a few posts ago, and I've met half of them already.  This means, I'm either not setting the bar high enough for myself, or I'm straight up awesome.  OK, it's true, I'm straight up awesome.  Anyway,  there are two residual short-term goals remaining from the last set.  One is to run an 8-minute mile, and the other is to complete a 30-Day Paleo challenge.  Although I don't want to overload myself with short-term goals, because my focus is already split in so many different directions,  I will add just one more for good measure.  DOUBLE UNDERS, I'm comin' to getcha!  So, what does this mean for the near future?  My guess is misery.  Just kidding.  Sorta.

To be honest, the goal that I'm most scared of tackling is the Paleo challenge.  With the holidays coming up, it's almost now or never to get it out of the way without guaranteed personal failure.  While I don't necessarily intend on having a pants-unbuttoned-Thanksgiving, I would like to enjoy a reasonably-sized piece of pumpkin pie without feeling guilt, or fear that the Paleo gods will reign their hellish fury down upon me.

Over the last 5 months, after reading The Paleo Solution, stalking message boards, and asking tons of stupid nutritional questions to those who seem to be successfully engaging in a Paleo-type lifestyle I've been able to make some major dietary changes.  While I've dabbled here and there (see Paris), bread has been kicked to the curb along with his best friend pasta.  I've been hanging around with his pals rice and corn, but not as much. Despite my tendency to gag, I've incorporated chicken and eggs into my diet and I've rekindled my relationship with red meat and bacon (OK, that wasn't tough). 

I'm hoping that with the effort I've put in so far, an attempt to eat "as clean as I can" for 30 days should not make me excruciatingly unhappy.  I know that in the end, it will probably be the best thing I ever do for my body, but it also may be the hardest test of self-discipline I've ever attempted/endured.

Now, there are several authors who have written great books on Paleolithic diets, and while they are all super smart, they all disagree on certain things when it comes down to exactly what is or isn't "Paleo."  There are also a bunch of folks on the "Paleo" message boards who are quick to call someone on the carpet when they see Paleo violations based on their personal set of Paleo laws or beliefs.  I honestly don't have the time or scientific knowledge to research who is wrong and who is right, and for the most part, I don't care.  Like religion, these people are all telling a similar story, with a great message but some different characters, and I have to take what I can from each, and move forward with what works for me. With that being said, I technically can't call what I'm about to embark on a "30-Day Paleo Challenge."  There are certain widely-accepted Paleo rules that I will knowingly not be abiding by (see below), and I'm OK with that, because in my mind, going in 85% - 95% for 30 days will be better than attempting to go in at 100% and failing on Day 1.  I will be doing the "Jill Special - A 30 Day Adventure in Clean(er) Eating."

Here's how it will go...

I will:

• Start this upcoming Monday, October 17 (mark your calendars).  This will ensure I can get in one last hurrah with an apple-spiced donut at the farm with my nieces on Sunday.  Go ahead and judge me!
• Track my starting weight and measurements on Day 1 and Day 30 and share any progress made
• Track my food consumption daily and make my food journal available to anyone who would like to see it
• Not stress too much about the amount of calories I'm consuming or my daily macro nutrient split
• Allow myself the following items which are banned or questionable during my 30 Day to ensure I don't kill myself or anyone else:  caffeine, fruit, limited feta and/or blue cheese, seeds, wine, and very dark chocolate for emergencies only
• Openly document any failures

I welcome your tips, tricks, advice, and heckling. Wish me luck!

I see London, I see France...

To any frequent readers out there, please accept my apologies for the recent blog hiatus. My big strong man and I went on a European vacation (Ooh, la la!).

We started in London, hopped over to Paris, and swung through Iceland on our way back to New York.  The vacation was romantic and relaxing - a perfect way to celebrate our anniversary! I initially had every intention of doing some hotel WODs, but due to a little bitta back pain and a whole lotta lazy, I scrapped that idea shortly after crossing the Atlantic. Upon landing, I proceeded to eat and drink my way through the trip like a kid fresh out of fat camp. 

OK, so I wasn't lying in a pile of pizza boxes, covered in chocolate syrup, but I was livin' on the edge.   I had dessert every.freaking.glorious.night and I didn't even muster a thought about the calories or nutrient breakdown in any of the delicious things I was shoveling straight down my pie hole.  Being naughty felt so damn good - until it felt really bad.  I ate freshly baked bread (fuck yeah, I did) I ate Nutella-filled crepes, I ate plain croissants, I ate chocolate-filled croissants, I ate macarons, I ate apple tarte, and then... I almost shit my underpants. TWICE. I'm serious.  No amount of Pepto could compete with the war these orgasmic treats were waging on my stomach, but regardless of these two VERY close calls (which were incredibly stressful at the time, but funny now), I continued to enjoy every flaky, buttery bite. Le sigh...those were some good times for my mouth...and my eyes - Paris is breath-taking. 

Thankfully, I left vacation accident free, but sadly, it's over, and it's time to get back to business before I spiral out of control. My first WOD back was vicious. I got that awful burny/phlegmy feeling back in my throat that I hadn't had the pleasure of feeling since my first few weeks of CrossFit (yuck).  I was sweaty, tired, and sore when it was done, but I was also utterly relieved.  Yes, of course, I was relieved that the WOD was over; there is nothing quite like moaning "Tiiimmme," after a particularly rough WOD, however, I was relieved because I was ready for more.  I was already excited to see what the next day's workout would be, and then what it would be the day after that.  A part of me was scared that I had gotten so used to being lazy again on vacation, that I would come back and lose my motivational spark, but we're all good people.  CRISIS AVERTED! 

So I'm back at the box, back on the blog, and will be back on track with nutrition once I'm done going through severe sugar withdrawal, but in the meantime, here are some progress updates!

Pull-ups:  I successfully moved up to a less resistant band (green).  I'm hoping to get to the next level (blue) before the end of the calendar year.

Push-ups:  My knee push-ups are lookin' pretty fly and I've got a good 5 or 6 in a row on my toes.  I hope to complete a full WOD on my toes (regardless of the nasty clock) by the end of the calendar year.

Deadlift: I started at 40 pounds straight out of foundations and went up to 90 shortly after.  I think I updated you last when I got up to 125.  I'm now at 165 for a 3x5.  I need a little work with my grip and form, but once I nail that, I'm lookin' forward to movin' up a smidge more :).

Nutrition:  I'm still playing around with this A LOT.  I have managed to cut out most gluten (vacation aside), and I'm focusing on getting more protein in my body, but it's still difficult for me to keep my carb count down where it probably should be without feeling miserable and unsatisfied.

Fight Gone Bad
I did my first Fight Gone Bad on 9/11.  Thank you to everyone who donated.  It was absolutely the most physically grueling 17-minutes of my life to date, and for the cause, it was worth every second. 
Check out the recap video my hubster did below:

Barbells for Boobs
We will be doing "Barbells for Boobs" at our gym on 10/29.  This is to support breast cancer.  I'm super excited to be working out for yet another great cause.  It's so refreshing to be a part of a community that spends so much time looking for ways to give back.  The link for that info is below:
http://www.barbellsforboobs.com/

Thanks so much for reading.  Feel free to post questions, comments, or topic requests directly on the blog or e-mail me directly at tattoosandpuppies@gmail.com.