...just make sure none of it gets into my mouth...at least not for the next 6 weeks, because it's Nutritional Challenge time at Guerrilla Fitness, bitches!
I've been fully gluten-free since Thanksgiving, and have been tinkering with a Paleo"ish" type of diet since starting CrossFit in May. My few previous attempts at a strict Paleo challenge were flops. I bailed as soon as I caught sight of a sexy, ice-cold glass of milk or a big, thick, long, and juicy - corn on the cob (mind out of the gutter, you whores).
Generally, I am happy with the little dietary lifestyle changes that I have been able to incorporate while experimenting with Paleo, however, I'm really interested to see if I can break some of my more deep-rooted food addictions as a result of this group challenge.
I'm a sucker for sugary condiments. I'm bad at eating the proper amounts of protein. I have naughty dreams about dairy, where I gorge myself on an endless supply of whole milk that flows from marble fountains, and falls from the sky like delicious drops of teat-flavored rain...I FUCKING LOVE MILK! Listen, I don't judge your fantasies.
In order to tackle this challenge, I had to do a ton of pre-planning, I ravaged through Paleo cook books to choose my meals for all 6 weeks. I stalked some of my favorite Paleo aficionados on the old interweb for tips and tricks. I put together meal plans, shopping lists, and cheat sheets. I decided like with most things in my life, it was time to go apeshit or go home, however, Day 1 is in full swing, I'm sick as a dog, and already, visions of white potatoes dripping in maple syrup are dancing through my head. It's obvious that I need to drink some more water - and lay off the Food Channel until the challenge is over.
So wish me luck, as I expect the food hallucinations will continue until my sugar withdrawal has run its course,,,
Remember when I said that once we came back from vacation I would be back to updating the blog regularly? Well...I lied. I'm prone to do that. Long, drawn-out, and dramatic story short - we came home from France and work got NUTS. I got sick, and then I got hit by a fucking biker. I'm serious.
[No, it wasn't a motorcyle - it was a cyclist. No, it wasn't a bike messenger, it was a Doctor...on a bicycle...cycling at break-neck speed, straight into my precious face. No, he didn't leave the scene. He stayed, but he was virtually useless. Yes, it hurt like a mother fucker - see image below.]
YUCK. Anyway. THEN...I got sick again. Then Thanksgiving came. Then I had to go on a two week business trip. Then Christmas crept up on me, and BOOM - it was 2012, and here we are. I'm panting even as I write this.
In so many ways, CrossFit has made my life immeasurably better, and for the past couple of months, life has only repaid me by getting in the way of CrossFit! Sometimes, life is an asshole (feel free to put that on a t-shirt if it moves you).
The sporadic time off put me back to square one in a couple of areas which is humbling and absofuckinglutely maddening at the same time. My pull-ups were getting strong before the hiatus, and if you were following, you know that I got down to a lower resistance band. Well, take any credit you gave my fat ass back, because I'm back on the big old granny band for now. And while I'm emotionally abusing myself...I may as well tell you that the lovely toe push-ups that I was cranking out pre-trauma (few as they were) are as extinct as dinosaurs. In fact, not only did I lose push-ups on my toes, but I now look like sizzling bacon while performing knee push-ups. FAIL!
In better news, my lifts are getting heavier, my cleans are getting a little less wonky, and I've been able to Rx weight a few times (just the weight, not a full WOD). My endurance is getting better little by little. I didn't eat like a TOTAL moron during the holidays. I went completely gluten-free the day after Thanksgiving, and started eating clean again with the new year. I technically haven't lost a pound since I started in May, but I have lost two sizes and have gained a shitload of strength, energy, confidence, and friends (puuuuuuke).
My resolution for 2012 is simply to get better...at everything...CrossFit and non-CrossFit related. In the hopes that I also get better at blogging, I'll let you know how that resolution pans out :).
Alright. Here it is. Time to buckle down and get serious. I had thrown out another set of short-term goals a few posts ago, and I've met half of them already. This means, I'm either not setting the bar high enough for myself, or I'm straight up awesome. OK, it's true, I'm straight up awesome. Anyway, there are two residual short-term goals remaining from the last set. One is to run an 8-minute mile, and the other is to complete a 30-Day Paleo challenge. Although I don't want to overload myself with short-term goals, because my focus is already split in so many different directions, I will add just one more for good measure. DOUBLE UNDERS, I'm comin' to getcha! So, what does this mean for the near future? My guess is misery. Just kidding. Sorta.
To be honest, the goal that I'm most scared of tackling is the Paleo challenge. With the holidays coming up, it's almost now or never to get it out of the way without guaranteed personal failure. While I don't necessarily intend on having a pants-unbuttoned-Thanksgiving, I would like to enjoy a reasonably-sized piece of pumpkin pie without feeling guilt, or fear that the Paleo gods will reign their hellish fury down upon me.
Over the last 5 months, after reading The Paleo Solution, stalking message boards, and asking tons of stupid nutritional questions to those who seem to be successfully engaging in a Paleo-type lifestyle I've been able to make some major dietary changes. While I've dabbled here and there (see Paris), bread has been kicked to the curb along with his best friend pasta. I've been hanging around with his pals rice and corn, but not as much. Despite my tendency to gag, I've incorporated chicken and eggs into my diet and I've rekindled my relationship with red meat and bacon (OK, that wasn't tough).
I'm hoping that with the effort I've put in so far, an attempt to eat "as clean as I can" for 30 days should not make me excruciatingly unhappy. I know that in the end, it will probably be the best thing I ever do for my body, but it also may be the hardest test of self-discipline I've ever attempted/endured.
Now, there are several authors who have written great books on Paleolithic diets, and while they are all super smart, they all disagree on certain things when it comes down to exactly what is or isn't "Paleo." There are also a bunch of folks on the "Paleo" message boards who are quick to call someone on the carpet when they see Paleo violations based on their personal set of Paleo laws or beliefs. I honestly don't have the time or scientific knowledge to research who is wrong and who is right, and for the most part, I don't care. Like religion, these people are all telling a similar story, with a great message but some different characters, and I have to take what I can from each, and move forward with what works for me. With that being said, I technically can't call what I'm about to embark on a "30-Day Paleo Challenge." There are certain widely-accepted Paleo rules that I will knowingly not be abiding by (see below), and I'm OK with that, because in my mind, going in 85% - 95% for 30 days will be better than attempting to go in at 100% and failing on Day 1. I will be doing the "Jill Special - A 30 Day Adventure in Clean(er) Eating."
Here's how it will go...
I will:
Start this upcoming Monday, October 17 (mark your calendars). This will ensure I can get in one last hurrah with an apple-spiced donut at the farm with my nieces on Sunday. Go ahead and judge me!
Track my starting weight and measurements on Day 1 and Day 30 and share any progress made
Track my food consumption daily and make my food journal available to anyone who would like to see it
Not stress too much about the amount of calories I'm consuming or my daily macro nutrient split
Allow myself the following items which are banned or questionable during my 30 Day to ensure I don't kill myself or anyone else: caffeine, fruit, limited feta and/or blue cheese, seeds, wine, and very dark chocolate for emergencies only
Openly document any failures
I welcome your tips, tricks, advice, and heckling. Wish me luck!
To any frequent readers out there, please accept my apologies for the recent blog hiatus. My big strong man and I went on a European vacation (Ooh, la la!).
We started in London, hopped over to Paris, and swung through Iceland on our way back to New York. The vacation was romantic and relaxing - a perfect way to celebrate our anniversary! I initially had every intention of doing some hotel WODs, but due to a little bitta back pain and a whole lotta lazy, I scrapped that idea shortly after crossing the Atlantic. Upon landing, I proceeded to eat and drink my way through the trip like a kid fresh out of fat camp.
OK, so I wasn't lying in a pile of pizza boxes, covered in chocolate syrup, but I was livin' on the edge. I had dessert every.freaking.glorious.night and I didn't even muster a thought about the calories or nutrient breakdown in any of the delicious things I was shoveling straight down my pie hole. Being naughty felt so damn good - until it felt really bad. I ate freshly baked bread (fuck yeah, I did) I ate Nutella-filled crepes, I ate plain croissants, I ate chocolate-filled croissants, I ate macarons, I ate apple tarte, and then... I almost shit my underpants. TWICE. I'm serious. No amount of Pepto could compete with the war these orgasmic treats were waging on my stomach, but regardless of these two VERY close calls (which were incredibly stressful at the time, but funny now), I continued to enjoy every flaky, buttery bite. Le sigh...those were some good times for my mouth...and my eyes - Paris is breath-taking.
Thankfully, I left vacation accident free, but sadly, it's over, and it's time to get back to business before I spiral out of control. My first WOD back was vicious. I got that awful burny/phlegmy feeling back in my throat that I hadn't had the pleasure of feeling since my first few weeks of CrossFit (yuck). I was sweaty, tired, and sore when it was done, but I was also utterly relieved. Yes, of course, I was relieved that the WOD was over; there is nothing quite like moaning "Tiiimmme," after a particularly rough WOD, however, I was relieved because I was ready for more. I was already excited to see what the next day's workout would be, and then what it would be the day after that. A part of me was scared that I had gotten so used to being lazy again on vacation, that I would come back and lose my motivational spark, but we're all good people. CRISIS AVERTED!
So I'm back at the box, back on the blog, and will be back on track with nutrition once I'm done going through severe sugar withdrawal, but in the meantime, here are some progress updates!
Pull-ups: I successfully moved up to a less resistant band (green). I'm hoping to get to the next level (blue) before the end of the calendar year.
Push-ups: My knee push-ups are lookin' pretty fly and I've got a good 5 or 6 in a row on my toes. I hope to complete a full WOD on my toes (regardless of the nasty clock) by the end of the calendar year.
Deadlift: I started at 40 pounds straight out of foundations and went up to 90 shortly after. I think I updated you last when I got up to 125. I'm now at 165 for a 3x5. I need a little work with my grip and form, but once I nail that, I'm lookin' forward to movin' up a smidge more :).
Nutrition: I'm still playing around with this A LOT. I have managed to cut out most gluten (vacation aside), and I'm focusing on getting more protein in my body, but it's still difficult for me to keep my carb count down where it probably should be without feeling miserable and unsatisfied.
Fight Gone Bad
I did my first Fight Gone Bad on 9/11. Thank you to everyone who donated. It was absolutely the most physically grueling 17-minutes of my life to date, and for the cause, it was worth every second.
Check out the recap video my hubster did below:
Barbells for Boobs
We will be doing "Barbells for Boobs" at our gym on 10/29. This is to support breast cancer. I'm super excited to be working out for yet another great cause. It's so refreshing to be a part of a community that spends so much time looking for ways to give back. The link for that info is below: http://www.barbellsforboobs.com/
Thanks so much for reading. Feel free to post questions, comments, or topic requests directly on the blog or e-mail me directly at tattoosandpuppies@gmail.com.
I've been procrastinating my first food-centric post, mainly because, when it comes to nutrition, I'm a hot stinking mess. While I do love pointing the finger at myself (because I'm usually the culprit), my Sid-and-Nancy-like relationship with food was carefully cultivated at home, where there was always a stack of Entenmann's at the ready, and meatballs were fried on Sunday mornings like clockwork.
Growing up, we had dessert every night of the week. However, I was not allowed to partake in said dessert if there was even one morsel of food left on my plate. I love a good challenge. You better believe that I would force every last molecule of pasta down my gullet, so that I could get to the pot of donut gold, waiting for me at the end of the supper rainbow. It certainly didn't help that my mom (who is secretly Irish, but trained by my Italian Nanny), cooks like a wizard, bakes like a fairy, and makes enough food at every meal to single-handedly cure the hunger problem in Africa. I shit you not, last Thanksgiving, we had an unusually small crowd - 5 adults. That nutty bitch made 2 turkeys. 2 whole fucking turkeys! Upon hearing of her plan to double up on the birds, my sister and I begged her to stop at one. Sure enough, when only half a turkey got eaten, my mom threw a shit fit. She mumbled (with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth) something about shoving all of the leftover meat up her ass... until dessert time. That's when she forgot about the turkey incident and proceeded to layout 5 pies, 2 gallons of ice cream, brownies, cupcakes, angelfood cake, berries, and a box of Entenmann's for good measure. Yes - there were still only 5 adults in the house. You should all meet my mom.
Needless to say, after being raised in the mystic land of sugar and gluttony, I emerged with a very warped view of food. Factor that in with insulin resistance, and a side of stupidity, and you have a nutritionist's worst nightmare (I've been to three separate nutritionists and I'm certain they are still recovering).
So, I will absolutely admit that I'm a moron when it comes to proper diet, but I have learned a few things from my ever-growing list of failed attempts:
If you are looking at a new approach to your diet that sounds crazy, it's probably crazy, and you will most likely fail, and go back to eating worse than you did before. You should really find a way of eating that becomes a healthy lifestyle as opposed to a whim or quick fix
It's been said a billion times before, but moderation is always the key. Too much of almost anything is a bad thing. That's why it's been said a billion times
What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. You really have to pay attention to how your body reacts to different nutritional situations. If you always have digestion related distress after eating a certain food - don't eat that food anymore you knucklehead!
Keep a detailed and honest food log. If you are looking to improve your diet, and you aren't properly documenting what you are eating, you won't be informed enough to start to make the appropriate changes
The earth was created with a bunch of natural food sources so that we could, well, live, I guess. While wild-caught, organic, cage-free, yadda yadda, is the best way to go if you can afford it, a super quick trick for grocery shopping is - stick to the perimeter of the store. Try to eat food that expires, and that has less than 5 ingredients. Steer clear of foods with chemicals or ingredients that you can't pronounce
With all that being said, I've been learning how to eat (doesn't that sound silly?) for the past 2 years, and I still haven't figured out what works best for me. While I've mentioned in a previous post, that the scale and I have gone our separate ways, I would still love to "lean out", so I'm in the process of trying new approaches to accomplishing that, in tandem with my workouts. These new approaches involve eating "cleaner" foods, cutting out sugars, playing around with my calorie and nutrient ratios, and enlisting the help of a food sponsor (who is probably about to shoot her phone after all of my idiotic food-related texts).
I'll let you know how it goes, but in the meantime, if you are reading this and thinking that you have a lot of work to do with your nutrition, I would say, start small and build from there! Switch from soda to seltzer. It will be rough at first. When you have learned to live without it, move on to something else. Take it from me, you can't be cured of a lifetime of poor eating habits overnight. If you are reading this and thinking that you have nutritional advice for me. Bring it on! I'll take whatever I can get.
The next post will be an update on my first Fight Gone Bad. Thanks for reading!
Seriously, where the fuck did this week just go? I am constantly asking myself this question lately, especially since I'm having more trouble than ever keeping days and dates straight.
I work at a large accounting firm, but I'm not an accountant. In fact, math has always been my worst subject. If by chance, you have ever had the pleasure of watching me attempt to calculate my 3x5, this will comes as no surprise to you (yes, sometimes my 40% magically becomes heavier than my 100% - whatever). When I try to explain to people what it is that I actually do, it's exhausting, so I will spare you the boring details. In the simplest terms possible, I get paid to organize things, and I'm usually damn good at it.
I wasn't always this way, as my mom will happily tell anyone who will listen. As a kid, I rarely knew where my text books were. My clothes were chosen from various towering piles on my bedroom floor. I had unplanned science experiments festering in my closet, and on more than one occasion, I groggily meandered my way to school only to find out that it was a Saturday. BALLS!
Change came overnight. I went from being a filthy and frazzled basket case to an organizational lunatic with obsessive cleaning tendencies. I traded in spoiled milk for bleach, and notes written in marker on my skin to spreadsheets...mmm...spreadsheets <3. Over the years, I created systems for the most mundane of tasks. I made it so that no object of mine would ever exist again without a specific place that it could call its own. I resorted to maniacal color-coding. I'm not lying. I would color-code your grandmammy if she accidentally wandered into my closet.
This new level of insanity was relatively easy to maintain when all I had to worry about was showing up to work and ensuring that the local fast food establishments would continue to provide Brandon and I with delectable dinners. After a 20-piece nuggie meal with large fries, various condiments, and a jumbo Diet Coke (gotta save some calories for the nightly pint of ice cream, people!), I could pay bills and organize the rest of our lives from the couch.
General life upkeep started to become increasingly more difficult as I continued to take steps to clean up our health act, and lately, I feel like the most unorganized person on the planet. I have found that no matter how hard I try, I can't keep everything together. Little things are starting to fall through the cracks. I'm getting bills paid with seconds to spare. Brandon had to wear his bathing suit to the WOD last night because I forgot that laundry existed. I'm triple booking our social events. I thought that Tuesday was Monday - until it was Wednesday. The hard reality is, no matter which new systems I try to implement, no matter which way I rearrange, re-prioritize, or redesign our life, I can't figure out a solution for having more than 24 hours in a day. With 8+ hours of work, planning cleaner meals, cooking those meals, taking care of shopping/errands, managing the finances, planning non-work events, investing quality time with the people I love, and getting appropriate rest, I don't know whether we're coming or going! Inevitably I can get 80% of our lives in control before 20% of it gets blown right to shit. I get about 2 seconds to revel in the fact that my bingo arms are shrinking, before it hits me that we are going to have to brush our teeth with gum if I don't get moving - and we don't even have kids yet! When I refused to do anything but eat fast food and watch Law and Order, the days just seemed to go on forever. Now, every minute between waking up and going to sleep is a blur. It's cruel the way that all works.
I end each and every jam-packed day dizzy and exhausted, but still feeling better than I ever have. So what am I going to do? I'm going to learn how to let go of the small stuff for the success of the greater good. I'm going to continue to prioritize our health. I'm going to let a little dust build up without having a seizure, if that's what it's gonna take to keep healthy food on the table and our asses at the gym. I'm not going to spin my head around and projectile vomit if I'm behind on the laundry YET AGAIN (but I am going to laugh if Brandon has to show up to a WOD in one of my bathing suits).
31 Heroes Update:
31 Heroes was my first CrossFit event. I wound up getting through it alive, but it was certainly a major diarreah-inducer to watch two groups go before my turn. The 31 minutes seemed to last forever while the others were doing it, but the clock flew by once my first thruster went up. Brandon was my partner and we scaled big-time, but we got in 9 rounds when all was said and done. The hardest part for me was the weighted 400 meter. If you've been reading, you will know that running is currently a huge weakness of mine. While adding weight to my already awful run scared me a little, seeing that the route was uphill almost made me fake my own death. Being that I had to scale so much of the rest of the workout, I promised myself that I would not walk any part of the 400s, even if it meant super barfing. Every time I felt like switching from my sluggish jog to a walk, I thought about the brave men and women who make it possible for me to be free, and I kept my fat ass jiggling all the way up and down that hellish hill. If you want to see some jigglin' for yourself, check out the link below, courtesy of the lovely Rebecca. Note: You may have to copy and paste it because I can't figure out how to hotspot that shit up.
Does anyone remember this bat-shit-crazy-bald-headed-nut-job from the 90's? If you don't, her name is Suzanne Powter, and for a hot minute, she was all the rage in the world of fitness infomercials. I can only assume that her marketing strategy was to annoy people into buying her products. At all hours of the night, this woman would explode onto my television set screaming things like, "Stop the insanity!", and "My thighs aren't touching anymore!!" She was a huge proponent of the idea that eating fat makes people fat (I refuse to touch this one).
Needless to say, like many fitness gimmicks before and after, I fell victim to Suzie and her shenanigans. I was chubby. I had some birthday money to blow. I bought the book. I was 12 (I continue to be a wet dream for marketing teams everywhere). I'm almost positive that I read said book while eating a Snickers and performing leg lifts, before tenderly placing it in the donation pile.
I was always looking for a quick fix, some sort of miracle diet solution that would magically transform me into whatever spokesmodel was marketing "X" product (See also: The Grapefruit Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Ab Roller, The Zone, The Master Cleanse, The Thigh Master, The South Beach Diet, The Stacker 2 Diet (a.k.a. butt bulemia), The Cindy Crawford Workout, Sweatin' to the Oldies, Tae Bo, Walk Away the Pounds, Yoga Booty Ballet, Hip Hop Abs, Strip Tease Aerobics, etc). I have given so much of my damn money to the fitness industry, and on not one occassion have I looked in the mirror and resembled Carmen Electra or Cindy Crawford. There also hasn't been a single freakin' day since birth (and I'm putting it out there) where my thighs HAVEN'T touched. I'm serious folks, I was a lard covered baby - I was predestined for a certain amount of fluffiness.
Any initial motivation I was able to conjure for these plans inevitably dissipated on Day 2 when the scale did not greet me with dramatic results. It was almost as if I expected pounds and inches to immediately melt away just because I was reading books about weight loss. It was exactly as if I expected to go to sleep looking like Fatty McFatterson and then to wake up looking like Giselle, simply because I had managed to watch a workout video. Generally, I failed to succeed with any of these diets or devices because I was too bored, too fixated on an unobtainable end result, and too unwilling to put in any real amount of effort.
The truth is, while some of those products and diet plans were absolutely bananas, it's not that Leslie Sansone and her merry group of geriatrics failed to provide me with the proper tools to walk away my pounds, or that Richard Simmons didn't shake, rattle, and roll enough for me to burn a few calories. The Ab Roller also didn't let me down; I'm sure that I would have had a lovely six-pack if I had used it as it was truly intended to be used as opposed to a mechanism for drying my bras.
As I get older, and a tad bit wiser, it becomes more evident everyday that the only way to get paid big is to work hard, or to get lucky - and I'm not that lucky...
...so I'm finally working hard. Can you imagine that after three months of busting my ass at CrossFit, ignoring the scale monster, eating normal food when I'm hungry*, and having an all-around good time, I would be starting to see some sweet results? Wild, isn't it? Funnily enough, one of the things I'm loving most about CrossFit right now, is the weight lifting aspect, which was one of the things I was initially most turned off by. Now, I know that there is this huge misconception out there that women will naturally "bulk up" if they lift weights. I too, believed this theory in the past, and used it as an excuse to avoid anything that wasn't cardio at all costs. If you are a current subscriber to this concept, I'm here to tell you that I'm pretty sure you can throw that weird-beard idea right out the window.
Fact #1: because of my PCOS, I have more testosterone than a typical woman (I know - totally sexy) Fact #2: I'm lifting weights five times a week. Fact #3: I'm getting smaller (at least that's what people keep telling me)
I'm not telling everyone to go out there and start slinging weights around (especially not unsupervised), but if you haven't done it (and I'm lookin' at you ladies), maybe give it a try! You might find that it feels good to blow off the weight of the world with some literal weight on your shoulders. If it's not your thing, that's cool! What's your thing? Does it get you moving? Does it get you sweaty? Do you love to do it? Good! Whatever that thing is - keep doing it. Just don't continue to be a knucklehead like I was, and pretend that you are going to mysteriously get fit by half-assing it.
What it comes down to for me, is that I finally found a gimmick-free program that makes it easy for me to work hard - and it feels good - real good.
Fact #4: When I look in the mirror now, I don't expect to see anyone else. I see me getting strong, and I love it... and also...sometimes..I flex - so there. HOT SHIT!
*I'm actually eating like a beast and could use some nutritional advice if anyone is willing to dole it out to ensure that I don't go apeshit.
Upcoming Events:
I'm participating in my first CrossFit fundraising event this weekend. It's called 31 Heroes, it's a grueling 31 minute workout, and all proceeds will benefit the families of the brave Navy Seals who lost their lives on August 6th. If you would like to contribute or read more about this cause, please do: http://31heroes.com/donations/
My second event is taking place on 9/11. It's an equally grueling workout that will directly benefit wounded soldiers, veterans, and their families. If you can find it in your heart or wallet, even a dollar would help! Again, to read more or contribute: https://fgb6.rapidgiving.com/frp/fundraise.aspx?pk=W7F5T1Z
Thanks for being awesome, everyone. If you keep reading, I'll keep writing. XO
