Come On-a My House, I'm Gonna Give You Figs, and-a Dates, and-a Grapes and-a Cakes, Eh!

I've been procrastinating my first food-centric post, mainly because, when it comes to nutrition, I'm a hot stinking mess.  While I do love pointing the finger at myself (because I'm usually the culprit), my Sid-and-Nancy-like relationship with food was carefully cultivated at home, where there was always a stack of Entenmann's at the ready, and meatballs were fried on Sunday mornings like clockwork.

Growing up, we had dessert every night of the week. However, I was not allowed to partake in said dessert if there was even one morsel of food left on my plate. I love a good challenge.  You better believe that I would force every last molecule of pasta down my gullet, so that I could get to the pot of donut gold, waiting for me at the end of the supper rainbow. It certainly didn't help that my mom (who is secretly Irish, but trained by my Italian Nanny), cooks like a wizard, bakes like a fairy, and makes enough food at every meal to single-handedly cure the hunger problem in Africa. I shit you not, last Thanksgiving, we had an unusually small crowd - 5 adults. That nutty bitch made 2 turkeys. 2 whole fucking turkeys! Upon hearing of her plan to double up on the birds, my sister and I begged her to stop at one. Sure enough, when only half a turkey got eaten, my mom threw a shit fit. She mumbled (with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth) something about shoving all of the leftover meat up her ass... until dessert time. That's when she forgot about the turkey incident and proceeded to layout 5 pies, 2 gallons of ice cream, brownies, cupcakes, angelfood cake, berries, and a box of Entenmann's for good measure. Yes - there were still only 5 adults in the house. You should all meet my mom.

Needless to say, after being raised in the mystic land of sugar and gluttony, I emerged with a very warped view of food. Factor that in with insulin resistance, and a side of stupidity, and you have a nutritionist's worst nightmare (I've been to three separate nutritionists and I'm certain they are still recovering).

So, I will absolutely admit that I'm a moron when it comes to proper diet, but I have learned a few things from my ever-growing list of failed attempts:

• If you are looking at a new approach to your diet that sounds crazy, it's probably crazy, and you will most likely fail, and go back to eating worse than you did before. You should really find a way of eating that becomes a healthy lifestyle as opposed to a whim or quick fix
• It's been said a billion times before, but moderation is always the key. Too much of almost anything is a bad thing. That's why it's been said a billion times
• What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. You really have to pay attention to how your body reacts to different nutritional situations. If you always have digestion related distress after eating a certain food - don't eat that food anymore you knucklehead!
• Keep a detailed and honest food log. If you are looking to improve your diet, and you aren't properly documenting what you are eating, you won't be informed enough to start to make the appropriate changes
• The earth was created with a bunch of natural food sources so that we could, well, live, I guess. While wild-caught, organic, cage-free, yadda yadda, is the best way to go if you can afford it, a super quick trick for grocery shopping is - stick to the perimeter of the store. Try to eat food that expires, and that has less than 5 ingredients. Steer clear of foods with chemicals or ingredients that you can't pronounce

With all that being said, I've been learning how to eat (doesn't that sound silly?) for the past 2 years, and I still haven't figured out what works best for me. While I've mentioned in a previous post, that the scale and I have gone our separate ways, I would still love to "lean out", so I'm in the process of trying new approaches to accomplishing that, in tandem with my workouts. These new approaches involve eating "cleaner" foods, cutting out sugars, playing around with my calorie and nutrient ratios, and enlisting the help of a food sponsor (who is probably about to shoot her phone after all of my idiotic food-related texts).

I'll let you know how it goes, but in the meantime, if you are reading this and thinking that you have a lot of work to do with your nutrition, I would say, start small and build from there! Switch from soda to seltzer. It will be rough at first. When you have learned to live without it, move on to something else. Take it from me, you can't be cured of a lifetime of poor eating habits overnight. If you are reading this and thinking that you have nutritional advice for me. Bring it on! I'll take whatever I can get.

The next post will be an update on my first Fight Gone Bad.  Thanks for reading! 

Makin' Your Way in the World Today, Takes Everything You've Got

Seriously, where the fuck did this week just go?  I am constantly asking myself this question lately, especially since I'm having more trouble than ever keeping days and dates straight. 

I work at a large accounting firm, but I'm not an accountant.  In fact, math has always been my worst subject. If by chance, you have ever had the pleasure of watching me attempt to calculate my 3x5, this will comes as no surprise to you (yes, sometimes my 40% magically becomes heavier than my 100% - whatever).  When I try to explain to people what it is that I actually do, it's exhausting, so I will spare you the boring details. In the simplest terms possible, I get paid to organize things, and I'm usually damn good at it.

I wasn't always this way, as my mom will happily tell anyone who will listen.  As a kid, I rarely knew where my text books were.  My clothes were chosen from various towering piles on my bedroom floor. I had unplanned science experiments festering in my closet, and on more than one occasion, I groggily meandered my way to school only to find out that it was a Saturday.  BALLS! 

Change came overnight.  I went from being a filthy and frazzled basket case to an organizational lunatic with obsessive cleaning tendencies.  I traded in spoiled milk for bleach, and notes written in marker on my skin to spreadsheets...mmm...spreadsheets <3.  Over the years, I created systems for the most mundane of tasks.  I made it so that no object of mine would ever exist again without a specific place that it could call its own. I resorted to maniacal color-coding.  I'm not lying.  I would color-code your grandmammy if she accidentally wandered into my closet.

This new level of insanity was relatively easy to maintain when all I had to worry about was showing up to work and ensuring that the local fast food establishments would continue to provide Brandon and I with delectable dinners.  After a 20-piece nuggie meal with large fries, various condiments, and a jumbo Diet Coke (gotta save some calories for the nightly pint of ice cream, people!), I could pay bills and organize the rest of our lives from the couch.

General life upkeep started to become increasingly more difficult as I continued to take steps to clean up our health act, and lately, I feel like the most unorganized person on the planet. I have found that no matter how hard I try, I can't keep everything together.  Little things are starting to fall through the cracks. I'm getting bills paid with seconds to spare.  Brandon had to wear his bathing suit to the WOD last night because I forgot that laundry existed.  I'm triple booking our social events.  I thought that Tuesday was Monday - until it was Wednesday.  The hard reality is, no matter which new systems I try to implement, no matter which way I rearrange, re-prioritize, or redesign our life, I can't figure out a solution for having more than 24 hours in a day.  With 8+ hours of work, planning cleaner meals, cooking those meals, taking care of shopping/errands, managing the finances, planning non-work events, investing quality time with the people I love, and getting appropriate rest, I don't know whether we're coming or going!  Inevitably I can get 80% of our lives in control before 20% of it gets blown right to shit.  I get about 2 seconds to revel in the fact that my bingo arms are shrinking, before it hits me that we are going to have to brush our teeth with gum if I don't get moving - and we don't even have kids yet!  When I refused to do anything but eat fast food and watch Law and Order, the days just seemed to go on forever.  Now, every minute between waking up and going to sleep is a blur.  It's cruel the way that all works.

I end each and every jam-packed day dizzy and exhausted, but still feeling better than I ever have.  So what am I going to do?  I'm going to learn how to let go of the small stuff for the success of the greater good.  I'm going to continue to prioritize our health.  I'm going to let a little dust build up without having a seizure, if that's what it's gonna take to keep healthy food on the table and our asses at the gym.  I'm not going to spin my head around and projectile vomit if I'm behind on the laundry YET AGAIN (but I am going to laugh if Brandon has to show up to a WOD in one of my bathing suits).

31 Heroes Update:

31 Heroes was my first CrossFit event.  I wound up getting through it alive, but it was certainly a major diarreah-inducer to watch two groups go before my turn.  The 31 minutes seemed to last forever while the others were doing it, but the clock flew by once my first thruster went up.  Brandon was my partner and we scaled big-time, but we got in 9 rounds when all was said and done.  The hardest part for me was the weighted 400 meter.  If you've been reading, you will know that running is currently a huge weakness of mine.  While adding weight to my already awful run scared me a little, seeing that the route was uphill almost made me fake my own death. Being that I had to scale so much of the rest of the workout, I promised myself that I would not walk any part of the 400s, even if it meant super barfing.  Every time I felt like switching from my sluggish jog to a walk, I thought about the brave men and women who make it possible for me to be free, and I kept my fat ass jiggling all the way up and down that hellish hill.  If you want to see some jigglin' for yourself, check out the link below, courtesy of the lovely Rebecca. Note: You may have to copy and paste it because I can't figure out how to hotspot that shit up.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOvgQxmwAiM

Most of the Guerrilla Fitness CrossFit Montclair 31 Heroes Team <3