Come On-a My House, I'm Gonna Give You Figs, and-a Dates, and-a Grapes and-a Cakes, Eh!

I've been procrastinating my first food-centric post, mainly because, when it comes to nutrition, I'm a hot stinking mess.  While I do love pointing the finger at myself (because I'm usually the culprit), my Sid-and-Nancy-like relationship with food was carefully cultivated at home, where there was always a stack of Entenmann's at the ready, and meatballs were fried on Sunday mornings like clockwork.

Growing up, we had dessert every night of the week. However, I was not allowed to partake in said dessert if there was even one morsel of food left on my plate. I love a good challenge.  You better believe that I would force every last molecule of pasta down my gullet, so that I could get to the pot of donut gold, waiting for me at the end of the supper rainbow. It certainly didn't help that my mom (who is secretly Irish, but trained by my Italian Nanny), cooks like a wizard, bakes like a fairy, and makes enough food at every meal to single-handedly cure the hunger problem in Africa. I shit you not, last Thanksgiving, we had an unusually small crowd - 5 adults. That nutty bitch made 2 turkeys. 2 whole fucking turkeys! Upon hearing of her plan to double up on the birds, my sister and I begged her to stop at one. Sure enough, when only half a turkey got eaten, my mom threw a shit fit. She mumbled (with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth) something about shoving all of the leftover meat up her ass... until dessert time. That's when she forgot about the turkey incident and proceeded to layout 5 pies, 2 gallons of ice cream, brownies, cupcakes, angelfood cake, berries, and a box of Entenmann's for good measure. Yes - there were still only 5 adults in the house. You should all meet my mom.

Needless to say, after being raised in the mystic land of sugar and gluttony, I emerged with a very warped view of food. Factor that in with insulin resistance, and a side of stupidity, and you have a nutritionist's worst nightmare (I've been to three separate nutritionists and I'm certain they are still recovering).

So, I will absolutely admit that I'm a moron when it comes to proper diet, but I have learned a few things from my ever-growing list of failed attempts:

• If you are looking at a new approach to your diet that sounds crazy, it's probably crazy, and you will most likely fail, and go back to eating worse than you did before. You should really find a way of eating that becomes a healthy lifestyle as opposed to a whim or quick fix
• It's been said a billion times before, but moderation is always the key. Too much of almost anything is a bad thing. That's why it's been said a billion times
• What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. You really have to pay attention to how your body reacts to different nutritional situations. If you always have digestion related distress after eating a certain food - don't eat that food anymore you knucklehead!
• Keep a detailed and honest food log. If you are looking to improve your diet, and you aren't properly documenting what you are eating, you won't be informed enough to start to make the appropriate changes
• The earth was created with a bunch of natural food sources so that we could, well, live, I guess. While wild-caught, organic, cage-free, yadda yadda, is the best way to go if you can afford it, a super quick trick for grocery shopping is - stick to the perimeter of the store. Try to eat food that expires, and that has less than 5 ingredients. Steer clear of foods with chemicals or ingredients that you can't pronounce

With all that being said, I've been learning how to eat (doesn't that sound silly?) for the past 2 years, and I still haven't figured out what works best for me. While I've mentioned in a previous post, that the scale and I have gone our separate ways, I would still love to "lean out", so I'm in the process of trying new approaches to accomplishing that, in tandem with my workouts. These new approaches involve eating "cleaner" foods, cutting out sugars, playing around with my calorie and nutrient ratios, and enlisting the help of a food sponsor (who is probably about to shoot her phone after all of my idiotic food-related texts).

I'll let you know how it goes, but in the meantime, if you are reading this and thinking that you have a lot of work to do with your nutrition, I would say, start small and build from there! Switch from soda to seltzer. It will be rough at first. When you have learned to live without it, move on to something else. Take it from me, you can't be cured of a lifetime of poor eating habits overnight. If you are reading this and thinking that you have nutritional advice for me. Bring it on! I'll take whatever I can get.

The next post will be an update on my first Fight Gone Bad.  Thanks for reading!